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9:03 PM
8:46 PM
Dreams: Dreams are sequence images, sounds and feelings experienced while sleeping, strongly associated with rapid eye movement sleep. The contents and biological purposes of dreams are not fully understood, though they have been a topic of speculation and interest throughout recorded history. The scientific study of dreams is known as oneirology.
Nightmare: A nightmare is a dream which causes a strong unpleasant emotional response from the sleeper, typically fear or horror, being in situations of extreme danger, or the sensations of pain, bad events, falling, drowning or death. Such dreams can be related to physical causes such as a high fever, turned faced down on a pillow during sleep (most often in the case of drowning nightmares), or psychological ones such as psychological trauma or stress in the sleeper's life, or can have no apparent cause. If a person has experienced a psychologically traumatic situation in life—for example, a person who may have been captured and tortured—the experience may come back to haunt them in their nightmares. Sleepers may waken in a state of distress and be unable to get back to sleep for some time. Eating before bed, which triggers an increase in the body's metabolism and brain activity, is another potential stimulus for nightmares.
Occasional nightmares are commonplace, but recurrent nightmares can interfere with sleep and may cause people to seek medical help. A recently proposed treatment consists of imagery rehearsal. This approach appears to reduce the effects of nightmares and other symptoms in acute stress disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.
I've always been a firm believer that dreams can come true. Not just the dreams of being rich or living in luxury but actual dreams... nightly dreams.
Not until recently has it been that I would rather not my dreams come true. I have had nightmares in the middle of the night with no explanation. I can not remember them but I remember waking up in a deep sweat with a rush or fear consuming my body.
This is strange as I have always enjoyed recalling my dreams. However the past few days I have not tried as I have been frightening of a simple memory.
I cannot determine the cause of the nightly awakings however they have led to recent sleepless nights.
8:28 PM
So a friend asked me to post some pictures... so that's what I'm doing!!!
Military Ball... AH! Really is there a point to it... other than TJ getting a few awards it's just a waste of money... Oh well!
There wasn't even an opportunity to get all fancied up because the military doesn't have a 'true' dress uniform yet... blues or greens... hm... just figure it out!
TJ & I Right before the Ball:
Me at the Hotel getting ready:
8:19 PM
TJ & I... most recent picture... from Saturday night!
WE FINALLY WENT OUT AND HAD A FUN NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seems like it's been FOREVER since TJ and I did something different so we went to TJ's cousin's house. It was fun cause it was completely different than we normally do! Just a few pics from the night... believe it or not... we had a great night and only had a couple drinks! :)
8:28 AM
It became a reality that our economy was struggling when I had a 12% loss on my 401-K 4th quarter of 2008. Then it was an instant reminder when TJ's hours were cut at work. Regardless of how much of a struggle one goes through it simply becomes a back bone for what is to come. Granted this struggle brought arguments between two that never thought anything other than love could happen. This struggle brought depression, stress, and multiple nervous breakdowns within the last 6 months or so.
I was beginning to wonder if all of these "mental games" were partaking in the fast moving life of marriage and buying our first home. I'm assuming that is part of it however things have started to turn for the better! :)
So we have had great news day after day for the last week.
#1) I went over my performance review at work last month however had not received my raise information until last week. Because of how the economy has been and how horribly it has struck the financial world I had not expected anything other than to keep my job, regardless if a pay cut had to be done. On the contrary I ended up receiving a pay raise of 4.54% in addition to 5 extra vacation days. What more could I ask for? I was elated!
#2) TJ and I received a phone call from the mortgage lender stating that we were qualified for a 1% interest rate reduction loan! This is HUGE as we bought our house when the rates were high (currently at a 6% dropping to a 5%). Not only is this awesome because it lowers our monthly payments but the terms and conditions stay the same as they were before and we will remain in a Veterans Affairs Government Loan --- SAVING MORE MONEY!!! In figuring out our monthly payments we are expecting to save $85 a month on our mortgage payment --- this is awesome!
#3) About a month ago when TJ's hours at work were really getting cut his friend hooked him up with a Landscape Design Company owner to see if he had any work for him. Guess What... He does! Not only does he have work for him but he has Full Time - Year Round Employment. This means no more season work like he was doing before. Since TJ has three college degrees in Landscape Design, Turf Management, and Horticulture he will be getting paid much more than expected, he will be getting a company vehicle, as well as getting full time hours.
All in all TJ and I went through our struggle and I was doing what I could to help 'pull the weight' while he was in a slump. Now the only thing that could make our lives better would be adding in the joy of life, a baby. This has not happened yet but I will keep everyone posted to when it does as we are trying!
With Love,
Jenna Marie
11:17 AM
As I always say, "It's better to be the bigger person than to stoop down to their level." At last I was finally given the opportunity to do just that!
TJ & I went to his little sister Gina's State Basketball game last night. Unfortunately they did not win so they are playing for 3rd and 4th rather than for 1st ans 2nd. Besides the point I have started to make mends with TJ's family.
We arrived at the gym last night and found our seats then to see TJ's mother, father, sister, and uncle walk in. We then followed them to the cheering section in which they were sitting only for me to think, "I can't even look at her (TJ's sister, Michelle)." And that was just it, I couldn't even look at her after the words she had said about me.
TJ's Dad, Mark, then started talking to me so that helped ease the tension slightly. Mark has always taken an initiative to get to know me and has never gotten involved in the falling out over Christmas.
After we all got settled in and more of a crowd started to show up Michelle went and sat with her friend and TJ's mother started to talk to me. We talked about the game from the day prior and about how the game would go last night. Things went well and I felt like a bigger person by keeping up a conversation with his mother who has always been difficult for me to talk to.
The game then got underway and Gina was "Ding it up" and being just as aggressive as any go getter would play. Unfortunately her aggressive playing got the best of her and she fouled out in the 4th quarter. The Lady Pirates fought their hearts out to win but they were unable to hang on.
After the game TJ and I waited for Gina to get cleaned up so we could let her know that she played well and to keep her head up high. After all there are many teams that would have loved to be there but did not succeed.
Gina came out of the locker room, tears rolling down her face, and accepted our hugs and words of inspiration. She thanked us for driving the 3 hours to watch one of the most important games in her high school career. She was genuinely glad that we were able to show her our support.
Michelle at that point walked away without saying anything so TJ said, "Michelle, not even a hug?" Michelle turned around with an annoyed "if I have to" look and gave TJ a hug. Gina & I happened to be looking at each other at that time and Gina simply rolled her eyes in disgust by the way Michelle was acting.
We lingered around for awhile speaking with the family and as we were getting ready to leave I simply stated, "Bye Michelle. It was nice seeing you again."
I knew I had to be the bigger person and by me stating the first words; I have done so.
By me showing up to Gina's game; I have done so.
By me holding up a conversation with TJ's mom, I have done so.
Now the only one left is TJ's brother's girlfriend, Carisa.
11:09 AM
A time comes in our lives that we realize that we do not want to settle for what 'just is.' After the Christmas ordeal with TJ's family I decided that I was not going to dwell on something that I did not have control over --- the way people felt about me. Don't get me wrong, I do not have much concern on if people like what I do or what I say. However when it comes to family, I do have a concern when I'm not accepted, especially when I'm not sure of the reason for non-acceptance.
Here's another thing--- I can handle TJ's family not 'liking' ME, however they should not disown their own blood. His sister especially has disowned her own brother. The brother who would do anything for anyone in his family has been disowned, because of me. TJ saw her when he was home for the Military Ball and called her---she ignored his call. Seriously I can't wrap my mind around this!
Last night his sister text TJ and was upset that he didn't tell her "good luck" for making it to State basketball. Well, again, we were not informed so how could we tell her "good luck?"
We seem to be the last to know on everything and it does bother us. Either we are the last to know or simply never find out.
After not being accepted in my ex's family I wanted nothing more than to be accepted into my husband’s family. I kept myself shielded because I knew what it felt like to be just another person and not really a part of them. TJ's family is aware of what I've been through in the past however that makes no sense to them as they all live perfect lives, so they think.
I'm very bitter with everything going on because I feel as though it's my entire fault; however there's never a reasoning given behind it.
I spoke with TJ's cousin who is the same age as Gina, the youngest sister, and Abbi informed me that, "his family has never given you a chance." This just goes to make me wonder how long I've been considered a, "ruin of the family." This whole thing has driven me sick, stressed, to the verge of divorce, and then to the 'I don't care' stage. But the only thing is, I do care, very much.
I'm just ready for this war to be over with. Stop telling me things like, "Welcome to the family," "You are family, you can come to use with anything," "You are a sister now," (All from the wedding) if you truly don't mean it. Do any of you really think I can consider you family when I'm treated the way you treat me? Do any of you really think I want to spend time with people who don't care, appreciate, and love me? You may talk shit because I was "selfish" for not spending time with you all... why should I put myself through self torture when I can be around people who genuinely care, appreciate, and love me?
All I'm asking is for those of you who think I am such a bad person, I'm really not. It's not my fault you've never taken the time to genuinely get to know me.
5:09 PM
So a friend posted a blog that explained her personality by the month in which she was born... June. Well that just so happens to be the month I was born in too.... So I decided to compare it to me. Here goes:
Thinks Far With Vision: Almost too much; I'm always looking into the future to see where I'll be or where I should be.
Easily Influenced by Kindness: Yes, which leads to good or bad.
Polite & Soft Spoken: I always use my manners and I am very soft spoken
Having Lots of Ideas: I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't have lots of ideas (work)
Sensitive: Very--- I'm very emotional and words can hurt very badly.
Active Mind: I spend many sleepless nights thinking, wondering, and dreaming--- very active mind.
Hesitating: I try not to second guess myself but have a tendency to do so often.
Tends to Delay: Not me... I hate procrastinating
Choosy and Always Wants the Best: Very choosy & definitely the best for myself, family, and others.
Temperamental: Ha... "you want me to give you a reason to cry?" is what my father would say when I was a child... I definitely have a temper on me.
Funny & Humorous: I wouldn't say I'm funny but TJ laughs with me!
Loves to Joke: I'm not a good joker but I love to laugh!
Good Debating Skills: I wish we had a debate team in high school because I was great at it!
Talkative: Generally yes.
Day Dreamer: Absolutely! Even at work and that sometimes causes problems with getting work done!
Friendly: Yes; everyone deserves a chance (but I've learned not to give second chances!)
Knows how to make friends: Yes but I would rather have few great friends to lean on rather than many okay friends.
Shows Character: Only that of my own.
Easily Hurt: Again, yes... sensitive!
Prone to getting colds: Hm.. no not really.
Loves to dress up: Absolutely!
Takes time to recover when hurt: sometimes too much; sometimes not enough
Brand Conscious: Yes and No --- When money matters no I'll buy good bargains!
Stubborn: Extremely --- I don't like to give in but have worked on that since marriage!
That's me born in the month of June!
9:20 AM
I'm so ready for this wintery weather to pass by and bring me the warm sweetness of spring and summer!
Everyone goes through their winter blues and it's time to cheer up and bring on the beautiful aromatic spring blossoms and the soothing sound of waves sneaking up to shore.
Spring was always my grandmother's favorite season --- full of spring cleaning, fresh flowers, sweet breezes, and of course - warmer weather.
With the close ties I always had with my grandmother prior to her passing I would indulge in helping her clean windows, paint, and garden in the spring time. Now that I have a house of my own I can make those memories come a reality again --- only not with my grandmother physically present but spiritually watching over me.
The love of a family member will always go on to help you make it through even your worst times. TJ and I have had a rough past year with many firsts taking place. With the help of the good lord above and my loving grandmother, uncles, and friends watching over us we have been able to survive.
The change of season always brings back great memories I share with my grandmother. This is why I can't wait for spring to get here!
Then comes summer--- oh sweet summer time! Due to TJ leaving in June for 3 weeks our summer gets cut a little short. We will absolutely need to get in plenty of river time, camping time, fishing time, and of course --- boating time!
I can't wait to show off a bronze tan, wear flip flops, squeeze into my swim suit and pry buy a new one due to the few "winter pounds" put on! :)
Rocking out to music and loving warm weather --- those are the days I am looking forward too! We are one step closer to those days with Day Light Savings Time on Sunday!! YEAH! Give me two more months and it'll be here --- 3 more months and our one year anniversary---wow that went fast!
6:27 PM
Over Christmas this year TJ's family and us had a "falling out." Needless to say we did not spend the Christmas holidays with his family as we wanted to surround ourselves around people who love, appreciate, and respect us. Why wouldn't you want that during the holidays right?
Apparently that's not how his family see things. We were being immature and disrespectful for not spending time with his family.
After seeing conversation between my sister in law and my brother in law's girlfriend it was apparent that they did not want my company during the holiday season. After receiving many text messages and my eyes swollen with tears it was apparent that no matter how difficult for him, TJ understands the concept of being a husband. He stood by my side every step of the way. Even when I stated, "I'm not going to take you away from your family, please spend time with them, but I'm going to be with my family," he declined. He simply stated that if his family was going to treat me like that they were disrespecting him as well. He did not want to partake in any holiday celebrations with them.
Now I am faced with a dilemma. This weekend is Guard Drill weekend. Generally this is when I would go back to TJ's hometown with him and spend time with his family. There is one simple problem. I am not comfortable in the least stepping foot in his parents house, especially without him there with me. He'll be gone a majority of the time at drill so I'll be with his family who apparently wants nothing to do with me. Not a picture perfect scenario.
Then we have July coming up. This is TJ's grandparents 50th Ann. party and family reunion. I would love to be there for his grandparents as I absolutely adore them. However knowing who else will be there; Michelle, Gina, Carisa; do I really want to put myself in that position for 4 days?
Am I being selfish? Am I over analyzing? Am I being true to TJ but not wanting anything to do with his family?
All of these things cross my mind everyday. This is not easy for me as it's always been so important to be accepted as part of my husband's family. As far as I knew, I was. Then all this came out at Christmas about how horrible of a person I am... all because of a simple gift exchange. The way things had been going TJ and I thought it be best if we drew names for gifts in his family as there are 8 people. The limit was set at $20 or whatever you can afford--- what's the point of a limit if you do whatever you afford? Well we can afford well over $20 and the others may only be able to afford $10 right? Well I said that you have to set a limit at a number or between this and this so you don't end up with one $5 and one $30 gift.
Apparently that meant that I was only going to spend $5. Seriously for any of those that truly know me... I enjoy giving more than receiving. I also tend to spend a little too much money on gifts... it's a weakness of mine.
Since then I've been calls multiple names from his family and no one thought, "hey maybe we need to talk to Jenna instead of making accusations."
The worst part- TJ's parents didn't even bother to get the story from us, rather they simply took the precious little girls' word for it.
Morale of the story, if at any point in time I am comfortable enough to face his family --- Shut Up! I will no longer voice my concern, I will no longer speak my mind, and I will no longer voice my opinion. When I am asked to speak I will. When I am in general conversation I will keep it to 'yes' 'no' responses. I will give respect where respect is due --- all others will need to regain it. I will trust no one other than myself and my husband. I will never feel accepted and will never feel appreciated.
TJ has married now. He is no longer the son that he used to be as he has a family of his own -- Me and Him. Simply because he is not at their every beck and call does not mean that they have to disown him. If he's happy shouldn't they be happy for him?
I can go on and on with this simply because it is a sore spot for me every day. However simply because his mother did not forgive us when we asked for forgiveness it just goes to show me that it's not worth the worries, stress, and constant concern any longer.
Our life will go on as we choose it to. His family may or may not be involved in it.
All that matters is that in the end it's just him and I... and we're happy with that.
9:46 PM
I'm so mad at Jason!!! He picked Melissa... then broke up w/ her... and wanted to give Molly another chance... AH!! Seriously?
If you've been heartbroken before how can you really do that to Melissa?
Wow... I'm shocked!
Men... sometimes they are just assholes!
6:52 PM
I am a Reality TV Junkie!!! The season finale of the Bachelor - Jason is on tonight! It's a two hour show and I'll be attached to my TV for 2 straight hours! Good thing that "One Tree Hill" is a re-run!
Bachelor Talk ---
Melissa --- She's so amazing & beautiful at that! She is an all in one package :) I think she would make a great step mom to Ty and a great wife for Jason. I mean come on... she did the motherly/wife thing when she went to Jason's house and picked up the dishes and cleaned up their dinner mess... great girl!
Molly --- She's so simple --- and not near enough experienced for Jason's life --- she would have to step into motherhood and she needs to experience 'life.'
Now don't get me wrong- I'll be happy for Jason no matter who he chooses. He deserves love, regardless who it is from. After what Deanna did to Jason - and Jesse for that matter - he deserves happiness.
If Deanna changes his heart into choosing her again (she's making an appearance on the show tonight letting him know she made a mistake by not choosing her) I'll be so upset! She completed dogged on Jesse so who knows what she would do to Jason... afterall she wouldn't just be hurting Jason but Ty as well.
Well I have exactly one minute until it starts... I'll update you on his choice!!!
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